Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

I think we all love to have a bit of drama in our lives. Without it, I can't even imagine how boring my days would be. Not necessarily drama in our relationships, our friendships, our family, but gossip; glorious gossip. Over the last two days I've caught up with two of my best friends who I hadn't seen for quite some time, and I noticed that the first thing we do is line up all the juicy gossip we have to share. We giggle, we gasp, we get sad on the behalf of the people involved. Honestly, the drama in my small home town is exciting when it's not happening to me. But even when the tables turn, who doesn't love a bit of a chaos to liven things up?

I'm not a firm believer in arguing with people but I can be incredibly melodramatic, and I like standing up for myself and my friends. I enjoy it. And as bad as it sounds, I enjoy getting on people's nerves if they pester me. I enjoy voicing my opinion, and I enjoy, shall we say... Heated discussions with people. When a controversial topic is brought up in a tutorial at uni, I'm straight onto it. As shy I can be, if I understand something well enough to debate it, I pipe up as soon as I get a chance and I won't back down. Perhaps I do go looking for drama, tear-jerkers, heartbreak and conflict. Perhaps I do crave the excitement and social clashes. Perhaps I love getting involved and voicing my opinion. Perhaps I love getting wrapped up in whatever's happening in my friend's lives because nothing ever seems to happen in mine. Perhaps that's a good thing.

These aren't really good qualities, but hey, I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a perhaps too outwardly spoken drama queen. Chaos and drama can be incredibly heartbreaking and saddening, and of course (I need to back myself up here in case the vultures attack) I would not wish those kind of events upon myself or anyone around me just because I feel my life needs a bit of commotion to keep it interesting enough for me. Even if some people are afraid to admit it, we don't want our lives to turn into a stagnant swamp; we need a bit of chaos, even in the form of gossip with friends, to feed us the elation we so crave. But on a final note, let us be sure not to hurt anyone in the process.

Au revoir mes amis.

It's only just beginning.

Today I finished my final exam. Chemistry, blah. I can't even find the words to describe how much I detest Chemistry. But alas, it's over now. Although my performance could have been better (to say the least) I've learned not to get down about it. Worst case scenario, I have to sit a supplementary exam or repeat the topic. Best case scenario? I pass. Eep. It does make me nervous, but what's done is done, and I have survived my first year at university.

What a funny year it's been. Funny? Maybe that's not the right word to use here. Crazy? That seems to suit the situation much better. The last 11 months or so have been full of ups and downs and all those lessons I was supposed to learn and maybe shouldn't have learnt so soon. Brilliant people, tough classes, new expectations, different desires for the future... I've found myself this year. It's almost as if the real me was hiding beneath someone who was pretending. Pretending to be someone she wasn't so she could fit in with people she didn't really need. But over the last semester, I've surrounded myself with people and things that have made me happier than I could have ever imagined, and all of a sudden the pieces fit into place. Everything makes sense, and while I'm still trying to figure out where I want to be in life, I feel more real than I have for a very long time.

I've lost friends and made friends. I've learnt how it feels to love, to lose, to have your heart broken time after time again. I've failed for the first time in my life, but achieved things I never would have dreamed of. This year has been tough, and make no mistake future first year uni students, it's nothing like school. You're going to have to work your butt off to pass, you're going to learn how it feels to pull an all nighter reading journal articles that make absolutely not sense, doing long days and nights on campus, all while being in the best kind of learning atmosphere possible. I've learnt how it feels to be a mature student, responsible for my own education in an inspirational and vocationally driven environment.

All in all, this year was everything I wanted it to be and more. I don't have the huge group of Adelaide friends I thought I would, I'm not acing all my classes and I'm still not as independent as I'd like to be. But I've come out alive, and that's something to be proud of.

It's been a while!

You can tell I've been working harder this semester, I haven't posted since uni went back after the mid-year break, but here I am now, writing in the midst of my final exam week. I have to wonder what on Earth has possessed me to start writing in the busiest and most stressful week of the term, but that's just it I suppose, the stress. Adelaide is lonely, I'll be the first to say. Living away from home is especially hard when you're embarking on such an important part of your life, and your best friends are three hours away. Yes, I know, three hours doesn't seem like they're very far away, but my gosh, it definitely feels like it when I'm having a big sook.

If there's one thing I've learnt this year it's that there isn't always going to be someone there to talk to. You try so hard not to bother your friends, or you don't feel close enough to your new friends to drop a bomb shell on them when you're feeling down, or you simply don't have a soul in the world who you know is going to be all ears. I've learnt that this doesn't end well. Everyone's different, I know this. Some people don't talk to anyone about how they're feeling, or their problems, they just deal with things themselves and it works out fine. I am not one of those people. If I don't talk to someone the sadness just eats away at me. I'm a big sap when something upsets me. I simply must have a cry and know someone's always there. I'm not clingy, I'm not pathetic, I'm not always sad. I just really like talking to people.

Unfortunately, I've hit this point in my life where I feel like my world is falling apart around me. I think that's why I'm writing this post. At the moment, I'm slipping out of control, and the perfect walls I'd built up are crumbling down. And I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have Rebecca, and Maddi and Sarah (my favourite people in the whole world, and they know it too) but once again, distance has come between us. What I would give to have someone I could go to, someone who was just around the corner, someone who I could count on, to have fun with and make me forget about all these pointless things I stress over and make me smile. I guess it's reasons like these that I wish I had a boyfriend, but it's not necessary. All I need is a friend who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

Yes, I know what this is starting to sounds. Wah wah wah, I have no friends. My life sucks, wah wah wah. But it doesn't. I have an amazing bunch of friends, and nearly everything I could possibly want in life. But lately, I'm losing that. I feel like I'm losing the one person I connected with down here, because of my stupid feelings and my annoyance complex. I'm tired of feeling like I bother everyone around me, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. Tired of friendships that make no sense to me, but tired of chasing after people when I don't know if they even want me around. Tired of it all. But what happens if I just give up? I don't want to think about it.

Advice to my non-existent offspring.

1. Don't get into cars with people you don't trust. Something my parents told me, and I have adhered to this rule a hell of a lot more than I have with any others. Have you ever had those police officers visit your school and tell you about car accidents? Yeah. Freaked me out. There's only a few people I'll let me drive me around.

2. For the love of God, don't have sex with someone you don't love or trust. And use protection. Enough said.

3. Actually try in school, please. It's hard, when your friends are acting like idiots, and it does look oh so fun. But knuckle down and work hard. From my experience, it does pay off.

4. Don't be afraid of love and heartbreak. But at the same, don't waste your time chasing after people who aren't worth it. I've done this, and it only ends badly. Sometimes you just need to throw in the towel and move on. If I had done this things really would have been so much easier. You know, what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. And as corny and cliche as it sounds, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

5. It's okay to follow trends, but don't let it stop you from being who you truly are. You're unique, accept that.

6. People are arseholes. There will be arseholes at school, arseholes at work, arseholes at uni. Don't take it personally, it's not you, it's them.

7. If something goes wrong, it really isn't the end of the world. There is no need for a complete mental breakdown, because most of time things can be fixed, or worked through. Everyone has the strength within them to get through anything, so don't make things more of a drama than they need to be.

8. Realise who your real friends are before it's too late. Stay away from the bitches.

9. When you have to sit next to someone on the bus, choose a nice old lady or a guy in a suit.

10. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and try your hardest at absolutely everything you do. Life is a beautiful thing, make the most of it.

Friendship

Friendship has always baffled me. It seems like no matter how much effort I put in, or how hard I try to be a good friend, I just can't get it right. But it's now I realise, I shouldn't have to do those things for a friendship to work. No, I'm not saying that you should stop trying in a friendship, my point more so refers to being the only one who does put in the effort. It feels like, with some people, things don't go anywhere unless I try. Unless I say the first word in conversation, unless I ask them to hang out, unless I ask them for help at a time of need. And in all honesty, it gets tiring. Like any relationship, friendship is a two-way street. For a friendship to flower both people need to communicate and be there for each other, and it seems like this is happening less and less in the friendships going on in my life. I don't know if it's just me. I get frustrated very easily and lose my patience with people. But when someone is constantly shutting down your advice and still complaining, what can you do? When they cause drama over the smallest things? When they don't support you? When they start to criticise your other friends? There is a line, and when it's crossed, you will get no sympathy from me. There's those friends who make a big deal out of everything and drag you down with them. There are those friends who'll ditch you the moment someone better comes along. There are those friends who take everything they need before running off to the next person they need something from. I know what you're thinking, I need a new friends. And you know what? I probably do. I said to my mother just last night, sometimes I wish I could just have male friends. Life would be simpler, easier. But who would I talk about shoes with? I wouldn't have anyone to discuss boys with. And I wouldn't be able to have my bitching sessions when they are required. I love my friends, most of them anyway. And we're all drama queens, girls are never going to get along perfectly (there are some exceptions to this, ie. my best friends). It all comes down to how long we can put up with each other, and whether it's going to be worth it in the end.

My Study Playlist

Yes, it that awful, awful time of year - exams! It is during this time that I begin to appreciate my music a lot more than I normally do. I can't study in silence, I always need to have music playing, so I've come up with a list of songs that I personally enjoy listening to while I'm cramming all of that information into my brain in the week leading up to those horrible things.

I think everyone needs to start with songs that will get them going, before exhaustion and, probably to a greater extent, boredom hits. You need boppy, happy songs, nothing depressing.

Hold Music - Architecture in Helsinki
Valerie - Mark Ronson/Amy Winehouse
Oh Hark! - Lisa Mitchell
The Well and the Lighthouse - The Arcade Fire
Witchdoctor - Little Red
Life is Better With You - Eskimo Joe
Wheels - Foo Fighters
E-Boogie - The Living End
Magic Fountain - Art vs Science
Sunday Best - Washington
Alice May - Andy Clockwise
Good Dancers - The Sleepy Jackson
Dawn of the Dead - Does it Offend You Yeah?
Catch my Disease - Ben Lee
Ta Douleur - Camille

You know, just to name a few...

And then, when the day is wearing thin, you need some motivational music to pick yourself back up again!

Teenager of the Year - Lo-Tel
Affirmation - Savage Garden
Today - Smashing Pumpkins
Everybody Hurts - REM
The Motivation Proclamation - Good Charlotte (obviously)
Defying Gravity - Wicked Cast (well, I have the Glee version)
Somewhere Over the Rainbow - Judy Garland

AND THE ULTIMATE MOTIVATIONAL SONG...

I always listen to this before uni and it never, ever fails to get me going.

So what do you like to listen to when you're hitting the books?

Decisions - Is it too early to start making them?

Over the last few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my personality and the way I act in certain situations. I'm writing a blog post about this because getting my thoughts down in writing seems like the easiest way to clarify them. I'm starting to think that I should stick with being a medical scientist and not continue on to being a doctor. Over-thinking things has always been a terrible habit of mine, and I don't know whether it's too soon to start thinking about something that's so far into the future, or if it's important to make these kind of decisions now. I know, I'll never truly know until I get there, but what if I do study Medicine for four years and then realise I'm not cut out for it when I begin my internship? I don't think I am emotionally strong enough to be a doctor, nor am I very good at making quick, accurate decisions in critical moments. I handle pressure well, but when it comes to making the right choices on the spot, I just crack. I don't think I could handle someone dying on me, I don't think I could handle not being able to help someone... I know I've said I want to specialise in pathology, which is okay, because those "patients" are either dead, or you're just working in the lab. But there's still the four years working in a hospital prior to specialising; that's what scares me. I know I'm still young, I have a lot to learn about life still and I am sure experience will make my emotional "intelligence" so to speak a lot stronger than it is now. But I still worry. I want to be a doctor, I have for years. There's nothing more I want to do with my life than to be a healer. I want to cure the ill, help those who need and rely on me. But maybe I'll have to do it in other ways, I might not be right for this career at all.