Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

I think we all love to have a bit of drama in our lives. Without it, I can't even imagine how boring my days would be. Not necessarily drama in our relationships, our friendships, our family, but gossip; glorious gossip. Over the last two days I've caught up with two of my best friends who I hadn't seen for quite some time, and I noticed that the first thing we do is line up all the juicy gossip we have to share. We giggle, we gasp, we get sad on the behalf of the people involved. Honestly, the drama in my small home town is exciting when it's not happening to me. But even when the tables turn, who doesn't love a bit of a chaos to liven things up?

I'm not a firm believer in arguing with people but I can be incredibly melodramatic, and I like standing up for myself and my friends. I enjoy it. And as bad as it sounds, I enjoy getting on people's nerves if they pester me. I enjoy voicing my opinion, and I enjoy, shall we say... Heated discussions with people. When a controversial topic is brought up in a tutorial at uni, I'm straight onto it. As shy I can be, if I understand something well enough to debate it, I pipe up as soon as I get a chance and I won't back down. Perhaps I do go looking for drama, tear-jerkers, heartbreak and conflict. Perhaps I do crave the excitement and social clashes. Perhaps I love getting involved and voicing my opinion. Perhaps I love getting wrapped up in whatever's happening in my friend's lives because nothing ever seems to happen in mine. Perhaps that's a good thing.

These aren't really good qualities, but hey, I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a perhaps too outwardly spoken drama queen. Chaos and drama can be incredibly heartbreaking and saddening, and of course (I need to back myself up here in case the vultures attack) I would not wish those kind of events upon myself or anyone around me just because I feel my life needs a bit of commotion to keep it interesting enough for me. Even if some people are afraid to admit it, we don't want our lives to turn into a stagnant swamp; we need a bit of chaos, even in the form of gossip with friends, to feed us the elation we so crave. But on a final note, let us be sure not to hurt anyone in the process.

Au revoir mes amis.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

It's only just beginning.

Today I finished my final exam. Chemistry, blah. I can't even find the words to describe how much I detest Chemistry. But alas, it's over now. Although my performance could have been better (to say the least) I've learned not to get down about it. Worst case scenario, I have to sit a supplementary exam or repeat the topic. Best case scenario? I pass. Eep. It does make me nervous, but what's done is done, and I have survived my first year at university.

What a funny year it's been. Funny? Maybe that's not the right word to use here. Crazy? That seems to suit the situation much better. The last 11 months or so have been full of ups and downs and all those lessons I was supposed to learn and maybe shouldn't have learnt so soon. Brilliant people, tough classes, new expectations, different desires for the future... I've found myself this year. It's almost as if the real me was hiding beneath someone who was pretending. Pretending to be someone she wasn't so she could fit in with people she didn't really need. But over the last semester, I've surrounded myself with people and things that have made me happier than I could have ever imagined, and all of a sudden the pieces fit into place. Everything makes sense, and while I'm still trying to figure out where I want to be in life, I feel more real than I have for a very long time.

I've lost friends and made friends. I've learnt how it feels to love, to lose, to have your heart broken time after time again. I've failed for the first time in my life, but achieved things I never would have dreamed of. This year has been tough, and make no mistake future first year uni students, it's nothing like school. You're going to have to work your butt off to pass, you're going to learn how it feels to pull an all nighter reading journal articles that make absolutely not sense, doing long days and nights on campus, all while being in the best kind of learning atmosphere possible. I've learnt how it feels to be a mature student, responsible for my own education in an inspirational and vocationally driven environment.

All in all, this year was everything I wanted it to be and more. I don't have the huge group of Adelaide friends I thought I would, I'm not acing all my classes and I'm still not as independent as I'd like to be. But I've come out alive, and that's something to be proud of.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

It's been a while!

You can tell I've been working harder this semester, I haven't posted since uni went back after the mid-year break, but here I am now, writing in the midst of my final exam week. I have to wonder what on Earth has possessed me to start writing in the busiest and most stressful week of the term, but that's just it I suppose, the stress. Adelaide is lonely, I'll be the first to say. Living away from home is especially hard when you're embarking on such an important part of your life, and your best friends are three hours away. Yes, I know, three hours doesn't seem like they're very far away, but my gosh, it definitely feels like it when I'm having a big sook.

If there's one thing I've learnt this year it's that there isn't always going to be someone there to talk to. You try so hard not to bother your friends, or you don't feel close enough to your new friends to drop a bomb shell on them when you're feeling down, or you simply don't have a soul in the world who you know is going to be all ears. I've learnt that this doesn't end well. Everyone's different, I know this. Some people don't talk to anyone about how they're feeling, or their problems, they just deal with things themselves and it works out fine. I am not one of those people. If I don't talk to someone the sadness just eats away at me. I'm a big sap when something upsets me. I simply must have a cry and know someone's always there. I'm not clingy, I'm not pathetic, I'm not always sad. I just really like talking to people.

Unfortunately, I've hit this point in my life where I feel like my world is falling apart around me. I think that's why I'm writing this post. At the moment, I'm slipping out of control, and the perfect walls I'd built up are crumbling down. And I have no one to talk to. Yes, I have Rebecca, and Maddi and Sarah (my favourite people in the whole world, and they know it too) but once again, distance has come between us. What I would give to have someone I could go to, someone who was just around the corner, someone who I could count on, to have fun with and make me forget about all these pointless things I stress over and make me smile. I guess it's reasons like these that I wish I had a boyfriend, but it's not necessary. All I need is a friend who enjoys my company as much as I enjoy theirs.

Yes, I know what this is starting to sounds. Wah wah wah, I have no friends. My life sucks, wah wah wah. But it doesn't. I have an amazing bunch of friends, and nearly everything I could possibly want in life. But lately, I'm losing that. I feel like I'm losing the one person I connected with down here, because of my stupid feelings and my annoyance complex. I'm tired of feeling like I bother everyone around me, and I'm tired of feeling lonely. Tired of friendships that make no sense to me, but tired of chasing after people when I don't know if they even want me around. Tired of it all. But what happens if I just give up? I don't want to think about it.